What on earth could possibly be nicer than cheese? Nothing, you say, quite confidently. Well I tell you, you’re WRONG. (Wrong-ish.) Because there is something, and that thing is melted cheese. Boo-yah, didn’t see that coming, did you? Unless you looked at the picture of melted cheese, which admittedly is a clue.

ANYWAY. Melted cheese is delicious-er than normal cheese. Just ask pizza. But the French, being cheese geniuses, have taken the business of melting cheese to a whole other level and made an entire meal out of it. Where another nation eating a dinner that consists largely of melted cheese would be taken as a sign of depression (“Are you sure you’re ok, Belgium? Maybe you should be eating some vegetable, hun.”) France is all, “OUI, I am manging melted cheese for my dinner. Qu’est-ce que c’est the problem, perdant?” And you know what? France is right and that is why they* invented raclette, a cheese-based meal that will transport you to hitherto unimagined levels of fromage ecstasy.

Raclette is basically potatoes and ham with melted cheese poured on top. It really is that simple. It originated in the Alps where people were cold from living on top of giant mountains and needed hearty sustenance to keep them both warm and alive. Nowadays it’s traditionally eaten in winter after a hard day’s skiing, or a hard day’s scratching yourself in front of the internet if you’re not posh enough to ski.

Happily, raclette is easy to prepare and ideal for feeding family and friends. Just follow these simple steps to cheese-based enlightenment.

1. Get tooled up

There are several ways to melt your cheese, ranging from the medieval to space-age modern. Let’s examine them before I inevitably recommend you use the kind virtually every French person has in their cupboard.

The original raclette was done over an open fire. Shepherds would hold great lumps of cheese over open fires and scrape off the golden and gooey bits. Now I’ll be the first to admit that this has a certain poetic charm, but it’s just not practical when you’re living in an apartment in the outskirts of Paris.

Skipping forward several centuries brings us to the method you’ll generally see in restaurants and stalls in Christmas markets, which is a grilling machine with a kind of plinth for holding wedges of cheese in place.  Raclette enthusiasts tell me this is the best method as you get a good crust on the cheese and also allows you to properly scrape (racler) the melted cheese from the whole, like they did back in the day. The downside – aside from the size and expense of these beasts – is that it’s designed to hold a semi-circle of cheese, yet only comfortably serves two people; more than that and there’s a lot of waiting for your turn to be served the melted manna.

“Je ne veux plus attendre mon fromage !” was no doubt the sentiment behind the invention of this next piece of kit.  A round or rectangular-shaped device with a hot plate on top and several square or triangle trays underneath, it’s placed in the centre of the table, plugged in, and diners load their individual tray with cheese and place them under the grill. Everyone gets to look after his/her own cheese. An additional benefit is the hot plate on top which allows you to cook mushrooms, tomatoes, meats, what-have-you. True, with convenience and conviviality come the cost of a less golden finish but it’s a trade-off most are prepared to make. This is the one you should buy.

One final addition to this list is the microwave. Now I know this is an abomination to most French people but it is possible to melt cheese in the microwave to make a basic kind of raclette. I’ll deport myself now, shall I? Adieu !

2. Get yo’ cheese on

The cheese you will need is called – get this – raclette. It’s a semi-hard cow’s milk cheese that comes in large, round wheels; usually you buy wedges or slices of raclette not an entire round, unless you plan to feed a coach-load of hungry Dutch mice. Your choice. Once you have your hunk, you slice it lengthwise, then cut into smaller pieces, of about 6 x 8 cm. This table is a useful guide to  how much cheese to serve.

Raclette comes in a variety of flavour, too, should you fear nature is a bit vanilla: smoked (my fav), peppercorns, cumin, white wine, mustard, herbs, blue cheese – there’s even a wasabi version. You really can be as way out or basic as you wish.

3. MEAT!

Why isn’t there a good English translation of charcuterie? Urgh, I’m going to have to make do with ‘cooked meats’. So, cooked meats are the second part of the raclette holy trinity; they’re like Jesus, with cheese being God and potatoes the Holy Spirit. Your standard raclette cold meat is boiled ham (jambon blanc). Don’t stop there though: jambon cru, rosette, “bacon**” and coppa are delicious additions. You can cook the ‘raw’ meats on the grill, if you’re an enormous wuss.

4. Choose your potatoes wisely.

As mentioned somewhat blasphemously above, potatoes play an integral part in a raclette. They may be the less-glamorous member of the trio (the one that remembers keys and apologises to taxi drivers) but without potatoes, the others would be one hot mess of cheese and meat and crying. When it comes to choosing your tatties, you’re looking for a firm-fleshed variety like Annabel, Charlotte or Nicola (the fact that they are named after women brings to mind a lonely farmer, kneeling in a field, fondling his PDTs while murmuring their names).  Cook them either by boiling or steaming, and serve with jackets or completely naked (I know what the farmer would prefer).

5. Fancy something extra?

Let’s imagine you’re preparing a raclette for a group of friends. What extras will you be expected to serve? Cornichons are an absolute must have. While not everyone’s cup of tea, their tart vinegar flavour cuts through the fat of the cheese beautifully and a raclette without them will be considered a failure – I speak through bitter personal experience. What else? Well, no one will kick you in the teeth for serving tomatoes and mushrooms, they’re fairly standard. But  the internet does provide some pretty out-there suggestions, including hard-boiled eggs, slices of apples and pears – even pineapple cubes.  Try these if you dare. A more sensible recommendation was to serve a green salad; not for dousing with melted cheese, but as a refreshing counterpart to all that lard.

6. Obviously you’ll want wine.

This is France so naturally there’s a vin element to this dish. Your ideal mummy juice to accompany a raclette is a white wine from Savoie, as this is where the meal originate from. It’s crisp, sharp and light and performs a similar function to the cornichons in cutting through the gras, though with a side addition of giggles.  That being said, I was in charge of buying wine for our last raclette and hurriedly picked up a bottle of chardonnay on my way home from work and guess how many people died? None (that I know of).

7. Room for pudding?

LOL, NO. You don’t want a dessert after all that cheese? Wait, seriously? YOU MONSTER.

I actually do like a dessert after raclette because I have an extra compartment in my tummy, just for pudding. At least that’s what my parents told me growing up and science can’t persuade me otherwise. French people have staggering constitutions when it come to eating and boozing so your guests may well expect to be offered a dessert. Play it safe with a fruit salad or pear marinated in wine. You know, something fruit-based. The alternative is to go all out and have a chocolate fondue to finish the meal. I mean, why not, but also choices, people, hmm?

So there we have it. You now have the method for achieving cheese bliss. Are you a fan of raclette? Do you do something different to what’s described above? Has anyone tried wasabi raclette cheese and, if so, is it as horrible as it looks? I WANT TO KNOW.

*The Swiss probably also invented it but I am ignoring this fact because it suits me.
**French people call this stuff bacon but it’s not bacon.

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